"When we got out and danced back to the car, my cell phone fell out for the second time during the night and smashed into a million pieces. Well, it only smashed into 3, but putting it back together with a simple mind like mine, seemed like a million pieces."
"For all you parents out there reading this (why the fuck are you reading this anyways?), here's how to tell if your son is looking at pornographic material on the internet. Take the computer keyboard and hold it upside down. If jizz pours out, you know what he's been doing. You might want to get a new keyboard too."
"Christmas time is coming up, and in surrey... you know what that means. Ho, ho, and more ho's! It's that time of the year when there's lots of white stuff on the ground... but it sure as fuck isn't snow. While I kids from other places get candy and stuff in their stocking, little surrey girls get jizz in theirs. Don't leave cookies and milk for santa clause when he visits your surrey household.. leave him a prostitute or two. "
"Total will probably be over $150 bucks. Suddenly, the thought of fucking my computer in the ASS instead seems a lot more feasible."
"Sometimes I feel the urge to SLAP THE KEYBOARD WITH MY DICK. Anyone ever feel that urge? Like seriously, when the fans in the computer start making weird groaning noises, and everyone thinks that the stupid fucking box in the corner of my room is in heat, it tends to get rather annoying. There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night to the noise of NRRRR NRRRNNNRN RRRRrrrrrrRRRR (sputter sputter clunk clunk). "
"My computer makes a lot of noise. I make even more noise telling it to "SHUT THE FUCK UP". It continues making that stupid noise...... I get up, whip out my dick, and piss on the fucker. As the piss hits the fan, it sprays all over the inside of the computer like a water sprinkler, causing sparks to fly and piss to land all over me. In a rage, I pick it up and bodyslam it on the floor, then defecate right on the CPU (I'd hope that the fans stopped spinning by now). VICTOLY!"
"I think Pat coughed up a piece of charcoal that used to be one of his lungs. Rock on!"
"I thought I saw Avril Lavigne today on the skytrain. I knew it wasn't her though, because her gargantuan asscrack wasn't visible, letting out noxious fumes. If I ever see that asscrack in real life... I will try to throw a brick into it before I succumb to the toxic gases emanating from it. If she's not wearing makeup, the brick throwing success rate will be compromised due to me going blind. "
"Sometimes I feel like tracking down those penis enlargement spammers, showing up at their front door with my pants down, and BEATING THEM TO DEATH WITH MY MASSIVE 72-FOOT LONG DICK!!!!! Yeah... "
"Then, when I began writing it, all that confidence faded away, like a fart in the wind... (that was soooo deep). "
"PS On my way home from work I stopped by for an hour to watch this HUGE ASS fire!! Holy shit it was big. Who would know that a 3 storey house could make so much smoke? I was hoping it was a marijuana growin house but when I tried to inhale the fumes pouring out into the street... well... I don't remember... I regained consciousness an hour later."
"Rebooting my computer fucking blows green goats. It takes Scandisk about 30 fucking minutes to make sure my hard drive is intact. Keep in mind that with my new video card installed, the computer would freeze if I MOVED MY MOUSE TOO FUCKING FAST. Excuse me? I thought I had just bought a graphics *ACCELERATOR*. How much graphics power does it take to move a mouse across the screen? FACK. "
"So now the question it, what do I do with my 200 year old wooden beast TV? Well other than the obvious solution of EATING IT."
"Elisabeth sure looked weak from the lack of food... if I was there I'd whip out the snake in her face and tell her "Guess what's really high in protein?!". "
"Vladamir, you faggot goat-impregnating smegma collector."
"It inspired me to drink some Windex, and scream out "WHY ARE HUMANS SO FUCKING INTELLIGENTER!!!". Then I woke up in naked in my neighbors yard with a bear trap on my penis."
"Did anyone out there hear her cover of a System of A Down song? FUCK!!!! How dare that punkass bitch soil such a great song. Well I shouldn't call her a The only thing real about Avril Lavigne is her mediocre man-tits. "
"Lots of hits have also come from search engines, from people looking for Avril Lavigne porn. What the fuck. I would rather see Osama Bin Laden licking his own hairy bleeding asshole, than see any more of Avril's body than I already have to endure. If I ever saw her naked and saw that she DOES actually have female genitalia, I think the awful truth would drive me into a coma. "
"If anyone wants to buy a 256 MB Ram stick off me, I'm selling it for $75 Cdn. May or may not have been previously passed throungh in a bowel movement."
"Those damn semen taste-testers"
"But before I leave, let me share a thought with you. Don't swat bugs, especially flies with your bare hands. Those fuckers have probably been in quite a few feces and carcassess, and are probably quite dirty. So I'd be pretty reluctant to swat them with any part of my body."
"Now send us beer, money, and clean vagina (preferably with a hot chick attached to it)."
"Cocksucking ICQ. If ICQ could suck cocks, everyone out there with a penis would be feeling extremely satisfied right now."
"There was such a high ratio of quality pussy that I (or my pants?) could hardly contain my excitement. Now I know that I won't get lost at SFU I can always follow the trail of drool to retrace my steps. A plethora of ass, titties, ass and titties."
"Shit man all these fuckable chicks at a university and me with only one penis"
"Yeah all that studying requires a good source of Vitamin Rubber. "
"Fucks sake, until mid-december my life will consist of eat, sleep, spank it with my goat, and study. ...oh wait, I just remembered I don't have a goat. Life sucks."
"Ever had to take a shit during the most inopportune moment? There's nothing worse than needing to exorcise the big brown demon(s) from your ass, and not having a nice, white, porcelain priest to do the job. Today I was at work, and I suddenly had the urge to take a shit. Now everyone knows how horrible the toilets are at work, so I run over there, open the toilet lid... and see a pyramid of shit inside there that rivals the pyramids in egypt and on Pamela Anderson's chest, in massiveness. Normally something that scary scares the shit out of people, but a sight like this scared the shit back INTO me!!! Fuck that was gross."
"What we have here is a fine example of what happens when retards are bred with monkeys. Sir, your farts smell like fish, you masterbate to pictures of your parents wedding, you give your little sister ATD's (Anal Tongue Darts), you suck your dog off, your dad rapes you with a shovel, your grandpa rapes you with his semen-crusted cane, and your mom rapes you with that frozen fish she always has stuck halfway up her ass.
Because your mom has not tits cause she was once a man (she couldn't afford to get the FULL sex change operation) she got your dad to cram his dick in your mouth... but I guess it was a little too big and it shot a load of semen into your brain cavity, which is now your brain. Thus causing your fucking lameness. So now you know.
Have a nice day! "
"Witnesses said that the puke came out of my mouth in a parabolic arc, and landed on the floor right in front of me."
"When I heard the news i nearly shit myself repeatedly... yeah call it multiple shitgasms"
"I am convinced I was dropped as a baby. Off a three storey building."
"I just wish I was holding a big fish so I could smack that bitch upside the head with it."
"My only complaint was the fucking seats at the theatre. They were so bad, I had to take out my wallet and put it in my front pocket or it would leave a permanent rectangular groove in my ass."
"Oh my god the toilet next to my room flushed by itself, for no reason whatsoever. Wow."
"My digital camera must have been a very loose street whore in its previous life. It sucks 4 AA batteries in under 15 minutes. "
"Frankly, I'd rather lick a poodle's ass for 12 straight hours rather than work in the rain. "
"I hate my 72 foot long penis."
"Fuck, everyone knows what is being said anyways, so what is the point of censorship? To protect the over-sensetive fairies who will shrivel up and die if they hear any vulgarity??? "
"Ever had to take a shit in a portable john that hasn't been cleaned in 3 weeks? I bet the stink from that thing knocked out my sense of smell for the rest of my life. Fuck, I'd rather pinch a loaf in the middle of a busy street."
"Notice how the mouse does not function without its ball. Well I'm sure I wouldn't function without my nuts either."
"Inside, there was a massive turd, rotating in the corner. I'm serious it must have been 2 feet long! And it was fucking rotating for no reason at all. And the smell.... I was afraid my face would peel off from the noxious fumes coming from the john. It's scarred me for life."
"I've decided to utilise webcam technology to let people see what my life is like. Basically you can watch me look at animal porn, eat keys from my computer's keyboard, and scratch my nuts, without actually having to go within a 10 foot radius of me and risk catching retarditis."
"sux0r my dix0r"
"He's dead man, you don't have to keep poking him like that.""
"I shit you not, the highlight of this movie was when some guy's cell phone in the seat in front of us rang for the 5th time. **** starts bitching at him, and some guy in the back row yells: "TURN OFF YOUR FUCKIN CELL PHONE YOU MORON!!!" and I almost got up and defecated in the middle of the theater. I didn't really care that the guy's cell phone was ringing, I was hoping it would ring some more, so a fight would break out in the theater and we'd have something actually entertaining to watch."
"I once swallowed a bottle cap. Shitting that thing out was a very deep and meaningful experience."
"I have noticed that my floppy disk drive has stopped working. What the fuck. I guess I shouldn't have jammed my disk in it so hard every day."
"Another thing that pisses me off is gimps who leave the toilet seat down and then piss all over it. It's like they were having a seizure or something while urinating, causing them to drench the entire seat in fucking piss."
"To this very day, I still have nightmares about that rotating 2 foot long turd I saw inside the Jiffy John. Damn it.
"Sorry for not being able to update the page yesterday, I have been too busy polishing my cock."
"Now I'm going to bed... counting how many sheep i'm going to fuck tomorrow. "
"My girlfriend is very violent. I am still looking for my penis."
"I'm so cool I scare the fuck out of myself sometimes. "
"There is a dead rat at work and I accidentally keep stepping on it. Well, ok maybe after I step on it I turn around and step on it again for fun, but it's really addictive and I can't stop doing it."
"Next time I see a Furby I will stick it up my ass, shit it out, and repeat the process several times."
"I looked into the toilet and there was this HUGE fucking turd in there!! I fucking swear, it must have been around 12 inches long and 2 and a half inches wide. I was like "ewww fucking sick" so I tried to flush it. While the toilet was flushing, all the turd did was spin around in there, leaving skid marks on the inside of the bowl. Sick! It looked like it was too big to go down the hole (reminds me of sex for some reason) so I ended up taking the plunger and breaking up that monster turd into smaller pieces. It was a gruesome task, but somebody had to do it (knowing the people I live with, that turd would have been sitting there for another 30 years)."
"Today when I woke up I saw that this was written on my dick: "Stop beating me". Don't look at me, I'm just as puzzled by this.."
"After watching the new show "Dark Angel", I have *come* to the conclusion that I want to fuck every hole in Jessica Alba's body for 3 weeks straight until my penis is worn down to a half-inch stub."
"My cable modem smells like fish. Um."
"I can't even surf the internet properly anymore. My connection keeps getting raped about 300 times a day. My conversation with some random chick about hairy nipples was cut short when my @home connection died. God damnit, I was in the middle of this very deep conversation and suddenly it's over because the good ole boys at @home were having sex with the server hub a little bit too rough. God damnit, when I'm on the phone, the line doesn't just suddenly go dead! That's cause my phone company has actual human beings working for it, not some chimpanzees who's idea of system maintenace is beating the keyboards with their chimp dicks."
"@home. My ass has better bandwidth than their cable lines."
"Well this is a fine example of evolution... bird have evolved to make their shit harder to see so they can defecate on more people. I wish my shit was neon green. Oh wait, it already is. I guess I shouldn't spend so much time in front of the computer. Nah."
"Do you have intelligent conversations with your anus after enjoying a bowel movement? Welcome to my life."
"Have you ever went to take a monster shit and left very little in the toilet bowl... which was pretty unsatisfying? Well this is what this website is like."
"WATCH THIS VIDEO IT IS THE FUNNIEST THING YOU WILL EVER SEE IN YOUR LIFE. DON'T WATCH THIS VIDEO WHILE YOU ARE EATING, DRINKING, OR NEEDING TO TAKE A PISS/SHIT!!! (Or you will leave a really nice mess). "
"Sega should have called their system the "Porncast". "
"Most likely I'll be passed out drunk in my Pikachu costume in the middle of the street, while little kids shoot firecrackers at me. Halloween is so damn cool."
"At work now it gets dark at the end of the day and I am fumbling around the site in darkness, running into things and getting stabbed with pieces of reinforcing steel bars. I am still bleeding in 167 different places as I write this."
" A couple of hours later, I still was unable to log on. Pissed off as hell, I unzipped my pants to jizz on the computer, then suddenly ICQ started working again. Nothing works better than the sound of the fly goin down."
"Oh and some guy set up quite a few live cameras in his house. You can watch him eat, sleep, feed the girlfriend and fuck the cat. There is also a chat room thingy beside the live camera player so you can chat to him and he'll tell you to fuck off."
"Oh how I wish I was back in elementary school writing these things. My teacher always used to send me in for psychiatric evaluations and I got to miss part of class."
"I am sitting here listening to am MP3 while doing some Photoshop editing, and everytime I apply any special effects, Winamp emits a heavy FARTING sound. Since when did computer programs start making bodily function noises? Thank Artificial Intelligence for that. Soon computers will be taunting us, and taking shits in our toilets. "
"There once was a guy named Booger, who liked to stick small animals up his butt. One day he decided to stick a rat infected with rabies up his butt, so he threw the rat into his ass (he also had a fetish for shoving hockey sticks in there, thus making his asshole quite large). Then, the rat bit him on the inside of his ass and took a shit in there. Booger screamed in pain, and later on that day he pooped out rat poop, and his wife (she had a penis) made fun of him ("Haha you pooped rat poop! You rat! Haha!"). Then he went to the doctor and the doctor told him that he had gotten infected with rabies. He started foaming from the butt. The moral of the story: Don't stick rats up your butt."
"I am having trouble encoding the Slurrey Show, thanks to my megahertz-challenged computer. "
"Adobe Premiere is also a beatiful program; it has a nice unique way of crashing my computer."
"I asked Santa for some broken glass and a bottle full of dead bees, and he told me to go fuck myself, so I gave Rudolph some Viagra and he raped Santa Claus up the ass. Then I had a dream of many dead naked chicks floating in the ocean."
"I dunno how, but I think I puked more stuff than I had actually eaten all week."
"My new year's resolution for 2001? To not make any stupid resolutions."
"I ate a piece of chalk on the Slurry Show. And today I shat it out onto the middle of a sidewalk. Then a dog came by and started licking it, then a rabid purple cat jumped on the dog and humped it up the ass, and a seagull flew by and said "You are a licker of assholes" while shitting out small sperical lead pellets, which hit the dog on the head and killed it. Then I bought a Pepsi."
"Thank you, AOL, for setting back the human race a couple of decades. Retards."
"Having wet feets every day sucks more than my vaccuum when I'm alone in my room with it."
"Well, Napster is going down the shithole. They are going to install a filter so you can't trade copyrighted music.
Ok, Napster is dead. It can't survive off of people downloading homemade stuff like "The Blue Balls - My goldfish farted hydrogen.mp3""
"For now, I must go sleep and dream about kangaroos having bouncy sex with trees. Oh my... we got a wet one here."
"Jerri is just a fucking doberman, and look how big her mouth is compared to the rest of her face! I guess she must have defenitely sucked many large cocks in her lifetime (hey is that why she hasn't been voted off the show yet?). "
"You know how much I hate using the portable toilets at work. They are fucking disgusting. I don't know how someone can be dis-coordinated enough to not be able to shit into the toilet bowl, and end up shitting all over the seat. Every day I go in there, there is shit smeared all over the seat. Jesus, it's like the guy WIPED HIS ASS WITH THE FUCKING TOILET SEAT or something. It's gross, gross enough to sicken the shit out of me. Oh wait, I don't think I could defecate in such a dirty area; my shit would be too frightened to come out. "
"Fuck, I'd rather be pissing gasoline onto a fire than having to piss into that fucking urinal again."
"Actually, I think Jerri brutally raped Colby cause no creature on earth would want to get too close to her stinky black hole (it's so massive that its gravity field sucks even light in, but still manages to let the scent of dead fish waft out). Fucking bitch."
"*Meow Mix* is officially dead, we're sorry to see her go but she gave her life so this site could survive. Well whatever at least she tasted good."
"... but there were unconfirmed reports of some boobage appearing on her cam about 3 am this morning."
"I'd like to smack Britney Spears across the head with a big stick. "
"Elisabeth sure looked weak from the lack of food... if I was there I'd whip out the snake in her face and tell her "Guess what's really high in protein?!" "
"Hey I think I see Sony's evil fucking plan. Once I get a PS2, I will buy many games for it just like I did with the PS1. When the PS3 comes out, my PS2 will suddenly start breaking down... so then I'd have no choice but to buy a PS3 to play all my old PS2 games! THOSE GREEDY KISSERS OF GROIN!!! Motherfuckers, I know they make their products automatically break after they become obsolete, so you would have no choice but to buy their newer shit. Well, lick my dog's tits Sony, I'm a loyal JVC follower now. "
"So I take my shoe off and chuck it at the computer, and scream every 4 letter word ever created at the top of my lungs, while smacking the keyboard with my face. My, what a predicament I was in. Microsoft had me firmly by the balls, and there seemed to be no way out of this any time soon. "
"So before you go through withdrawl, just remember, Slurrey.com loves you, and the horse you rode in on."
"I drink, therefore I am."
"I was about to yell out "GODDAMNIT!!!!!!", but knowing that the building across from this site was occupied by many christians, I yelled out "FUCKING COCKSMACK GORILLA SHIT WEATHER!!!" instead."
"I look at the guy. I look around the store. Yes there is other people in here. Yes there is someone over there buying something. Yes this place still seems to be in business. A place that charges $80 do do something a lobotomized chimp could do is still in business. WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE IT DEFIES ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS AND REASON!! 80 bucks!! Windows! Some fucker is gonna get paid $80 to click "I agree", "Yes", "Ok", "Install", and "Reboot" for 30 minutes!!! INHALER OF FLAMING BUFFALO FARTS!!!!"
"DaGimp also lives in Slurrey and he added me to the cam portal. Pretty awesome site, and the "inappropriate" page made a big hole in my pants and somehow my cat ended up being stuck to the ceiling. Talk about good aim."
"But I still felt so retarded, cause I keep catching fire all the time."
""So you wouldn't let me download the last bit of the MP3, cause you wanted to spank it to monkey porn? That warrants a thorough beating." So I take the keyboard, smack him across the head with it, and then stick it up his ass. I laughed at the humorous situation that had resulted from this, as he was running around the room, trying to get a computer keyboard outta his ass, while "SDJWSEHWEOIHJSADJF*(#@$(*@#&(*#UREISJ" was appearing on the computer screen, over the monkey porn. Then I stole his computer, and used it to listen to the MP3 that I had wanted. Vengeance is sweet and rewarding."
"I'm tired and my creativity has dwindled. Again, I cannot post anything interesting tonight. Blame it on the lack of sleep the past few nights, and extreme sexual encounters with certain vegetation in my back yard."
"I sent mail to Nintendo asking whether the plastic for this thing was the same type as the stuff used for the SNES, cause after a few years my SNES turned yellow. I certainly hope that it's not the same material, because I don't really appreciate people accusing me of urinating on my video game systems. "
"Those assholes at Fateback better get their shit together and hurry up in time... I even hear they are getting their own kids to go in the server room with straws to suck out all the human excrement from between the hard drives."
"Well the cop told me to walk the line.... and I tried to snort it. "
"So I take the PS2, and pack it back in the box. I regret that I forgot to stick a small dog turd inth the expansion slot in the PS2, cause it has ventilation holes in the front, so when Sony would "re-refurbish" that PS2, they'd have a nice smelly surprise waiting for them... well it probably wouldn't smell as bad as the starving dying child laborers they secretly have working in their factories."
"So let me get this straight. The female fish just goes and lays the damn eggs any place she feels like, and some random dude fish goes over to them, thinks "Hey look, some eggs on the ground." and then he procedes to jerk off all over them for no reason other then built in instinct. I will never understand animals."
"Oh my. I just noticed that my new reciever's top seems to be melting. It's really hot and it adds quite a bit of oommpphh to the burning plastic smell already in my room. I guess I should stop piling crap on top of it. Or maybe it's the way I hooked the speakers up and it's causing a short. Either way, at least in the winter time it will heat my room."
"You have convinced me Mr. Borf. Now bend over so you can recieve my investment into your wonderful product."
