Dirty Jokes

A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first-grader to be using?"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said bad boy.

A man walks into a Doctors. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana up his ass. "Whats the matter with me?" he asked. "You're not eating properly." replied the Doctor.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will not stop cursing. I've done everything I know to stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?"

The Father said "Well, have you considered smacking the boys?"

The mother, wide-eyed, replied, "Oh no Father, I thought the Church would frown upon that!"

The Father responded, "In severe cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse, why don't you try it?"

The mother said "O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it."

The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come down to breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me some fucking waffles." Well with that, the mother smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the younger of the boys, watched in horror.

The mother turned and asked ,"Little Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at his mother, and replies, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles."

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million pounds" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes"

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still belive in goblins"

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens.

Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the cunt."

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right.

One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.

When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.

There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.

The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"

She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."

He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"

She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."

He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."

She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five pounds you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five pounds, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five pounds. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five pounds."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Q: What did one faggot say to the other faggot at the gay bar?

A: Can I push your stool in?

A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?"

He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!"

His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times."

"But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!"

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the forest and says, " Your in deep trouble Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to rip off your clothes and rape you until you faint."

With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to drop to your knees and EAT ME, just like the story says."

There's two fags inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when suddenly one realizes their out of vaseline! So one of the fags tells the other fags he'll be back in a while, with more vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns, he see's cum all over the walls and floor, this angers him, and enraged he asks the other fag "why did you jack-off?" Then the other fag says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."

There's a little 13 year old boy walking down the street one day with some chicken wire in his grasp, an old man on the corner see's this and is puzzeled. He then asks the boy, "What are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" To which the boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" When he comes back later, he's holding three chickens in his hands.

The next day, the old man sees the boy with duck tape this time, this again puzzles the man, and he asks the lad, " What are you going to do with that duck tape?" To which the boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks." Later the boy walks by the man, his arms full of ducks.

Then next day, the man see the boy walking down the street with a flower, the guy asks him, " What kind of flower is that son?" the boy says " This is pussy willow." This time the old man understands and replies, "Wait a second, I'll go get my hat!"

What is 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

How do you make five pounds of fat look great?

Put a nipple on it.

This little girl is in her house right after christmas and she is looking out her window on a beautiful day. Outside all the neighborhood kids are playing with their new toys. She asks her dad if she can go outside.

Dad: You can't. You're grounded.

Girl: Please dad I'll be good.

Dad: No you can't. You're grounded.

Girl: Please dad, pleeeeeeeaaaase! I'll do anything.

Dad: (Dad being somewhat of a pervert) OK, I'll let you go outside on one condition.

Girl: (Looking excited) Anything dad.

Dad: If you want to go outside you have to give me a blowjob.

Girl: (Freaking out) WHAT? Are you CRAZY? Forget it.

The girl goes over by the window looks outside and starts grabbing her hair going crazy wanting to go outside. She looks over to her dad, then outside, then to her dad then all of a sudden...

Girl: OK, OK, OK, I'll do it.

So dad pulls down his pants, pulls down his underwear and whips out his dick. His daughter grabs it and puts it in her mouth and starts sucking. then...

Girl: AAUUGH! (spit, spit, gag, cough) Dad that tastes like shit.

Dad: Oh, it must be because your brother borrowed the car in the morning.

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.

"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "pity she's a man."

The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says.

"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a converstaion. They hit it off really well. and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. The continue the'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.

"This is my chance" says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is' So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.

"Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"

"And I didn't know you were taking a shit" the man replies.

A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequilia. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other. "Holy shit!" the baretnder exclaimes "That the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before - whats the occassion!?!" "My first blow job" the man anounces quite plainly "Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!" "Listen, if 9 doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help."

A guy and a girl are in the guys room undressing each other.

The girl takes off the guys shirt and sees a Nike tatoo on his shoulder. Thinking nothing of it she begins to take off his pants. On his ankle he has a Reebok tatoo. The girl thinks to herself, "What a sneaker fanatic", and continues to take off his underwear. When she gets his underwear off, she sees that he has "AIDS" tatooed on his dick.

She freaks out and says" Get the hell away from me, I'm not sleeping with a guy that has "AIDS" tatooed on his dick!!!"

He says, "Relax. In a minute it'll say "ADIDAS".

A travelling salesman was driving along when his car broke down in front of a very large house. He walked to the front door and an old Chinese man answered the door. The old man said, "You may stay, but do not do anything to my granddaughter or I will subject you to the Chinese Torture Test." The man agreed thinking, "How hard could it be. It's only one night, right?"

That night at dinner, he met the granddaughter. She was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. Throughout dinner he couldn't help but stare at her. He had, afterall, been travelling for six months. Later that night, he snuck into her room and made wild passionate sex to the granddaughter and then went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up with a large boulder on his chest. There was a sign on it that said, "First Chinese Torture Test: 100 Pound Boulder on Chest." Being a very strong salesman, he managed to heave the boulder out the window of his third storey room. He noticed a rope, and another message on his chest read, "Second Chinese Torture Test: Boulder Tied to Right Testicle" Without thinking he leaped out the window after the boulder. Outside the window was another sign, "Final Chinese Torture Test: Left Testicle Tied to Bed Post."

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he > stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, i tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couln't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

There was this lady who wanted to find the perfect husband. So, she put an add in the paper that said,"Wanted: A husband that won't beat me, run away from me, and is good in bed."

A few weeks later, the doorbell rings. When she answered it there was a man with no arms and no legs.

Lady: May I help you?

Man: I'm here about your ad in the paper.

Lady: I don't think you meet the requirements.

Man: Look, I have no arms so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run away from you....

Lady: But you have to be good in bed...

Man: How do you think I rang the doorbell?

A bartender is working his regular Friday night shift when a man whom he has never seen before enters the bar. The man is holding an apple in his hand.

The man says to the bartender, "After years of experimentation, I have finally accomplished my biggest goal. Tast this apple. It tastes like a banana."

The bartender figures, what the hell? He takes a bite, and is absolutely amazed at the fact that this apple actually DOES taste like a banana.

"Not bad," he says to the man, obviously impressed.

"Turn it around," says the mysterious man. "The other side tastes like a peach.

Sure enough, when the bartender bites the other side, it tastes like a peach.

"You know what would be great?" The bartender says. "You should invent an apple that tastes like a woman."

The man ponders this, and seeming to like the idea, he runs out the door.

A week later the man returns with a new apple to present to the bartender. "I did it! An apple that tastes like a woman! Try this!"

The bartender takes a bite of the new apple, and yells "This apple tastes like shit!"

"Turn it around..." the man replies.

Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we did.

The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite directions down the beach.

The next day, they meet and the first guy says:

"So...Tell me about your day!"

The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little oasis with a pond and some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?

His friend laughed and said: "You're never going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to these train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and night having the most incredible sex I've ever had! This girl was amazing! We did everything together!"

The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him..."Everything?"

"Everything!" he replied.

"Did she suck your dick?"

"Well...no...She didn't do that..." the man said with a sigh..."I couldn't find her head!"

A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her husband had lost all intrest in sex and all the various doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason. In desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help. He responded by giving her special sex pills. He told her that if she put one pill in her husbands dinner then they'd have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned her never to use more than one. The woman was skeptacle but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked!The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for an entire month.One day she thought "Well all this sex has been great, but what would happen if I gave him all the pills at once..." So, completely forgetting Santa's warning she slipped all the remaining pills in her husband's dinner.

Several months later Santa decided to check up on the woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy answered the phone and Santa asked hom his mother was enjoying the gift. The little boy said "So you're the one who sent the pills... well, Mommy's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Daddy's up in the attic going `here kitty kitty"

What do you call a woman police officer with her pussy shaved?

Cuntstubble!

These two whales where swimming in the ocean. One of the whales notices a whaling ship up above and says to the other, "Hey that looks like the same whaling ship that got our friend just the other day." And the other says, "Yeah, I got an Idea. Lets go blow some bubbles underneath and tip the boat over." The other agrees and before long men are spilling into the ocean. One whale says, "Ok lets go eat some of those men." and the other whale replies, "I don't mind a good blow, but I made a rule never to swallow sea men"

A guy walks into work with a sad look on his face. His friend asks him why he is so down. "My wife doesn't seem to want to have sex with me anymore." was his reply. "That happens to me sometimes too, so you know what I do? I go home after work and strip off all my clothes, climb into bed and eat her out. That does the trick every time." "That' a good idea, maybe I'll try that."

So that night he went home and the lights were all out. He took off all his clothes and climbed under the covers and proceeded to eat her out. He heard moans and she wriggled about so he finished her off. Just having come home from work he was dirty, so he decided to take a shower before he continued. He walked into his bathroom and saw his wife on the toilet. "Shhh-your mother's asleep."

A cowboy is riding through the desert alone on his horse. He is quite far from civilization and has not been with a woman for quite some time. After becoming increasingly horny, the cowboy starts to look at his horse and begins to think, "I bet I could fuck my horse." After a little consideration, the cowboy begins to see the absurdity of this idea and completely disregards it. A few days later the cowboy starts to get even horniner than he was before and the same thought comes to his mind. The cowboy gets off his horse, pulls down his pants and tries to stick his dick in. As soon as he gets close, the horse takes a few steps forward. The cowboy tries again and again but every time he tries to fuck his horse, it moves. After a few more failed attempts the cowboy rides on.

Soon he comes accross this small indian village being raided by another local village. The cowboy shoots all the rowdy indians and notices that they were just about to begin a sacrafice with the last, surviving person in the whole village. This person is the town virgin and is extremely beautiful. Upon untying her, the virgin tells the cowboy, "I owe you my life. I'll do anything you want me to." After pondering this statement for a while, the cowboy asks her, "Do you think you could hold on to my horse for a while?"

One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm.. I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responed with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home. When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves. When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm.. I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be to bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to go to the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesturday. He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken."

Three nuns died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter. He told them that in order to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed. He asked the lst one, "Who was the first man on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy," and then she answered, "Adam." The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 2nd nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?" She said, "Oh that's easy too," and then she said, "Eve." The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 3rd one, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam." She said, "That's a hard one, isn't it?" The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing.....

What's the similarity between getting a blow-job from an eighty-year-old and walking a tightrope?

In both cases you don't really want to look down.

This guy is riding his horse through the west and comes across a camp of bandits. He is captured and is sentenced to death. The head leader of the camp of bandits says to the man,"You have three requests to fufill before I kill you!" The man says okay and goes to talk to his horse. He whispers something to the horse and the horse goes off. The next morning the horse returns with a red-headed woman. The man and the woman spend the night together, and the following morning the leader tells the prisoner that he has two more wishes. The man again whispers something in the horses ear. The horse and the red-head go off into the sunset. The next morning the horse returns to the camp with a blonde. The man and the blonde spend the night together.The next morning the leader lets the man know he has only one wish left. The man goes to the horse grabs him by the ears and yells,"I SAID TO GO AND GET THE POSSE!!!!"

A girl making love to her boyfriend couldnt work out why her toes kept curling up ,Then she realised her stockings were still on !